I'm well and truly in "fake it" mode at the moment. I just can't be bothered. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to eat well. I don't want to look after my dad and mollycoddle my mum. But that's life, all of the above are non-negotiables and I just need to get on with it.
For the most part, I've been doing ok. On Saturday I went to the gym and did back to back classes in Step and Body Bar. On Sunday I jogged to mum's place (with a detour to make it longer) - about 7km trip, with the nasty hills at the end of the run, argh. Monday morning I skipped my usual run and was incredibly unmotivated in the evening, but I made it to boxing anyway, and I really enjoyed myself. This morning I had issues getting out of bed, but managed to drag myself along to the circuit. Tonight the plan is for body bar, and a bit of time on the cross trainer.
As for the rest of the week, I'm planning on doing a jog tomorrow morning, a circuit Thursday morning, spin Thursday night, and a jog Friday night. No rest day during the week, because the weekend is looking a bit full to fit any exercise in. Saturday is home show day (there's two on in one weekend - seriously, Adelaide has no idea how to organise itself. We could go 2 months with no events, then everything gets crammed in at the same time). Sunday is the Family Amble, which I think is going to be a slow wander through the botanic gardens. I'm taking my dad to give him an outing and a bit of exercise, it's organised by Active Aging Australia, so hopefully it should be non-confrontational enough for him, surely there will be some other Alzheimer sufferers there too. There are 1.5km, 3km and 4km options, and I've entered us in the 4km, which I'm now not sure was a good idea - the old Pa is slowing down pretty rapidly at the moment. Oh well, if he has to stop and sit on park benches along the way it won't matter, it's an amble not a race after all.
The travel show is on this weekend too. I'm thinking we might call in on the way home from the family amble if Pa isn't too knackered. Not that we need to book in any more holidays, we certainly don't, we've got Bali and the Pacific cruise already booked in. It would be good to pick up a couple of brochures on New Caledonia and Vanuatu though, so we can start thinking about what we might like to do on days in port on the cruise.
Speaking of holidays... I haven't really been too excited about the approaching Bali holiday thus far (it is about my 8th trip there or something stupid). However, yesterday I did some reading up on the Bali Forum and Trip Advisor, and it's got me excited. It's 4 weeks and 3 days til we fly, and all of a sudden I'm hanging out for it. It's more that I need a break from work than anything I think, but whatever, I'm looking forward to the holiday. We're staying somewhere we've never stayed before (or even looked through), which is always a bit of a risk, but the Trip Advisor reviews have been awesome in the last few months. We'll be at the Febri's this trip, in Tuban. It's not on the beach, but I never go to the beach anyway - lily white skin and burning hot sun do not a good combination make. It's about 5 minutes away from Discovery Mall, which could be a problem... blueberry bread from Bread Talk, I can taste it already! We need to start making some plans of what we're going to do, at the moment all we've got scheduled is shopping and massages. Who knows, that might be all we end up doing, relax, relax relax. I'm not sure there's any day trips we want to take, having done a lot of them in the past. We've been elephant treking, we've been to Kintamani in the mountains, we've been to the bird park, the safari park, the zoo, we've been parasailing and banana boating. Personally I'd like to do the white water rafting and village cycling, but it's just not practical with the parents in tow. I need to find a Bali guide for old people lol.
Ah well, better try and get some work done, seeing as I did bugger all yesterday. 4 weeks, 3 days and counting...
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Introspective
I read a blog yesterday afternoon (while avoiding doing the big project that I really just can’t be arsed with, but that’s another story) which has really resonated with me. Lyn over at Escape from Obesity is talking about when she stopped caring about herself as a person, and how that translated into her battle with her weight. There is just so much truth in this connection in my experience too, that I can’t stop going over and over it in my mind.
I haven’t spoken a lot about “my journey” in this blog, mainly because I’ve been trying to block it out for fear that thinking about it will bring back the binge demons. As time goes on, though, I’m gaining confidence that I have defeated that particular monster. Anyway, my background – I was an overweight child, an overweight teenager, and an overweight adult, all to varying degrees. I was a gymnast (well a trampolinist to be precise) from the time I was about 8 until about 16, so that kept the weight slightly in check, although I was very very large compared to the typical skinny minnies you find in gymnastics circles. When I quit the big training program, and kept eating like an elephant, I sort of became an elephant. I think I maxed out at about 120kg when I was 19 or so (at 165cm, not the best look). I got down into the mid-90's through my early twenties, rebounding up and down somewhat.
And then about 3 years ago, I made a big resolution, and really stuck to it. I went from 102kg to 67kg in the space of about a year. I exercised like a crazy person. My calorie intake was at a healthy level, but it was full of processed crap - because the processed crap had calories labelled and I could measure the intake. I lost the weight in an unrealistic and unsustainable way. My whole focus in life was on diet and exercise, I cut off connections with a lot of friends and family and lived within myself. I also thought about food every waking hour, which is enough to drive anyone to distraction.
While life was going along without too many major speed bumps, it all fitted in ok. But next to come were some major speed bumps - my dad (who I lived with at the time) developing Alzheimers, my mum falling into depression, me having a car accident, and having a big bust up at work and moving to a new department. This was a lot to deal with, and my completely useless flipping brother did nothing to help, so everything sort of rested with me for a while. Somewhere along the line, this translated into quitting the exercise, binge eating on anything likely to gain maximum weight in minimum time, and just giving up on myself.
I guess I didn't realise just how much I had given up on myself, given up on life, until I sat and reflected on it after reading Lyn's blog. I was going through the motions, and as always keeping myself pretty guarded, so general acquaintances would never have seen the state I was in. Truth be known, I don't think even my closest loved ones knew how low I was. It's all the little things that add up to just not looking after yourself - I stopped using face creams, stopped moisturising, some days even a shower was an effort. I stopped experimental cooking, stopped going to movies. Getting out of bed was a daily grind, and doing anything other than flopping on the couch after work was a miracle.
Well this is depressing. But what is not depressing, is that I have come through it, I have survived, and I am a stronger person for it. I don't know what has snapped into place, or why, but I am certainly glad it has. I have a will to live, a will to improve myself, a will to find joy in the little things. Yes I still have challenges to face, we all do. Dad still has Alzheimers, and naturally it's getting worse. I'm still living with it, but I'm not grieving it. We've all learned to cope better with what we've got to work with, and life is going on. I'm going to make the best of it.
I haven’t spoken a lot about “my journey” in this blog, mainly because I’ve been trying to block it out for fear that thinking about it will bring back the binge demons. As time goes on, though, I’m gaining confidence that I have defeated that particular monster. Anyway, my background – I was an overweight child, an overweight teenager, and an overweight adult, all to varying degrees. I was a gymnast (well a trampolinist to be precise) from the time I was about 8 until about 16, so that kept the weight slightly in check, although I was very very large compared to the typical skinny minnies you find in gymnastics circles. When I quit the big training program, and kept eating like an elephant, I sort of became an elephant. I think I maxed out at about 120kg when I was 19 or so (at 165cm, not the best look). I got down into the mid-90's through my early twenties, rebounding up and down somewhat.
And then about 3 years ago, I made a big resolution, and really stuck to it. I went from 102kg to 67kg in the space of about a year. I exercised like a crazy person. My calorie intake was at a healthy level, but it was full of processed crap - because the processed crap had calories labelled and I could measure the intake. I lost the weight in an unrealistic and unsustainable way. My whole focus in life was on diet and exercise, I cut off connections with a lot of friends and family and lived within myself. I also thought about food every waking hour, which is enough to drive anyone to distraction.
While life was going along without too many major speed bumps, it all fitted in ok. But next to come were some major speed bumps - my dad (who I lived with at the time) developing Alzheimers, my mum falling into depression, me having a car accident, and having a big bust up at work and moving to a new department. This was a lot to deal with, and my completely useless flipping brother did nothing to help, so everything sort of rested with me for a while. Somewhere along the line, this translated into quitting the exercise, binge eating on anything likely to gain maximum weight in minimum time, and just giving up on myself.
I guess I didn't realise just how much I had given up on myself, given up on life, until I sat and reflected on it after reading Lyn's blog. I was going through the motions, and as always keeping myself pretty guarded, so general acquaintances would never have seen the state I was in. Truth be known, I don't think even my closest loved ones knew how low I was. It's all the little things that add up to just not looking after yourself - I stopped using face creams, stopped moisturising, some days even a shower was an effort. I stopped experimental cooking, stopped going to movies. Getting out of bed was a daily grind, and doing anything other than flopping on the couch after work was a miracle.
Well this is depressing. But what is not depressing, is that I have come through it, I have survived, and I am a stronger person for it. I don't know what has snapped into place, or why, but I am certainly glad it has. I have a will to live, a will to improve myself, a will to find joy in the little things. Yes I still have challenges to face, we all do. Dad still has Alzheimers, and naturally it's getting worse. I'm still living with it, but I'm not grieving it. We've all learned to cope better with what we've got to work with, and life is going on. I'm going to make the best of it.
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